My Story

The Beginning

My name is Lindy and I was 17 when I had my first panic attack. I'll never forget that moment. My boyfriend had just told me he was breaking up with me, and as a teenager, of course that news was devastating. My throat started closing up; it felt like I was choking. I started hyperventilating, my heart began to race. I got nauseous, and suddenly felt the overwhelming need to get away.

I continued to have these panic attacks for days. I couldn't keep anything down, and started to get dehydrated. My mom took me to the doctor - she was so concerned that something was terribly wrong with me.

The first doctor I saw was incredibly understanding. She listened to my tragic teenage story, and explained that what I was experiencing was panic attacks. She prescribed me a few medications to help me during the attacks. A few weeks later, I started to get over the break-up and the panic attacks subsided - for the time being.

I Thought They Were Gone

I went for several years without having another panic attack. The next time was after I graduated college - it was my first day at work. I felt stressed and completely overwhelmed. Those same terrifying sensations came back and I knew I had to tell my new boss.

She saw how I looked and told me to go home, and that hopefully I would feel better in the morning. Of course, the next morning I was scared to go back because I was afraid of having another panic attack.

 I was in an anxious state all the way to work, and sure enough, once I got there, I had a full-blown panic attack again. I had to leave for the second day in a row - which I'm sure did not impress my new boss.

I went to my doctor - who prescribed me an antidepressant (Paxil) this time for a longer-term solution, along with one of the anti anxiety drugs (Xanax) for immediate relief so I could function at my new job.

I was grateful for the relief that Paxil gave me, but after about 2 years on it, my husband and I wanted to start a family so I weaned off of the drug.

Again, I went several more years without another panic attack. But the next time they returned, it was worse than it ever had been before...

It Got Worse

By this time, my husband and I had 2 beautiful children (both preschool-aged), a wonderful home, a new Golden Retriever puppy, and I was taking graduate classes to complete my Master's degree. My husband had a business trip planned that would take him away for a month. I felt fine until the first night he was gone.

The children were in bed, the puppy was in his kennel, and I was checking the house to make sure everything was secure. Walking around, I began to feel anxious. Then that feeling came in the pit of my stomach - and I knew what was going to happen next.

My heart started racing, my breathing accelerated, I got nauseous, and my chest got tight. This time, however, I experienced symptoms that I never had before - my whole body started shaking uncontrollably, my hands and feet got tingly, and I felt certain I was about to die.

I immediately called my husband, but since he was out of state, he felt helpless to do anything. He suggested I call his parents (who live in the town next to us). I did and they told me to pack up the children and puppy and head to their house.

At first, I thought I would be fine if we just stayed at their house, figuring it was just me being afraid of being alone. But I wasn't.

The panic attacks continued - coming randomly now, not just when I was thinking about or doing something stressful. I remember sitting on the couch watching a movie with my children (it was Garfield :) and BAM - panic attack.

Trial and Error

I returned to the doctor, who first diagnosed me with panic disorder and then prescribed me Celexa and more Xanax. The Xanax helped in the short-term, but I knew I had to wait 4-6 weeks for the Celexa to become effective.

Unfortunately, I experienced unpleasant side effects from the Celexa (headaches, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, suicidal thoughts), so the doctor switched my prescription to Zoloft.

She explained that people react differently to different drugs, and sometimes it's just trial and error til we found one that would work for me. Not exactly comforting.

I was on Zoloft for about a month, and when I went in to the doctor for my follow-up appointment, I shared with her that I hadn't had any recent panic attacks but that the Zoloft was causing some side effects also - mostly lack of emotion and decreased libido. 

Once again, my doctor switched my prescription - this time to Wellbutrin. I wondered if this could be "the one?"

After being on the Wellbutrin for a few weeks, I started to have random panic attacks again. Ugh - back to the doctor I go again...

The Magic Pill?

I was starting to get discouraged at this point that nothing was going to help. All the medications I had tried so far either gave me horrible side effects, or made me feel like a zombie. :(

I gave the Wellbutrin the obligatory month to see if it would work. Nope. Still having panic attacks. How much more could I take?

I left my doctor appointment this time with a prescription for Effexor. She explained that Effexor is very effective for people with panic disorder, but since it was an expensive drug, the insurance companies wanted to see that I had tried other  medications first.

Hesistantly, I started the Effexor. I kept waiting for the horrid side effects that I experienced with the other drugs, but they never came. Then I waited anxiously to have more panic attacks. They slowed down in frequency, and then about a month went by and I realized I hadn't had any panic attacks!

That was huge for me. Now that I had the panic attacks under control, I felt like I could finally go on with living my life. I was functioning at a normal level, being productive again. Perhaps this was finally the drug that would set me free from panic.

On the Effexor, I went an entire year and a half with no panic attacks. I was positive that this was the medicine that would change my life forever.

And then the proverbial shoe hit the fan.

I Couldn't Get Any Lower

My life stresses began building up again. We sold our house, bought a new one, moved, both kids started school (one in kindergarten, one in preschool), I started volunteering in their classrooms, and I was shuttling them to every extra-curricular activity imaginable.

One night, my husband and I got into an argument. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I started having a panic attack. I took a Xanax, and started doing some of my coping skills that I had learned. Nothing was helping.

This panic attack was horrible. It was the kind that gets really bad quickly, then fades a bit, then comes back with a vengence. My thoughts started turning somber and I was SO frustrated that I was having panic attacks again.

I became suicidal and drove myself to the Emergency Room. They called in a pyschological consult, who decided I needed to be admitted to the local psychiatric hospital for inpatient care.

During my hospital stay, I learned a great deal about panic disorder, panic attacks, and anxiety in general. I went to both individual and group therapy, where we addressed topics such as stress management, coping skills, medications, and healthy living.

Speaking with the other patients in the unit with me, we all agreed on several important points: 1) our friends and family needed more education about the conditions we all struggled with, and 2) we needed a place to go where we could not only learn about our conditions, but also connect with others who understood.

My New Purpose

That is when I decided to not just talk the talk, but that I would actually DO something.

I began this website.

Writing about my experiences and learning everything I could about anxiety and panic attacks became theraputic for me.

But more importantly, I knew that helping others with their anxiety would give me a new purpose in life. If I could make just one person's life better, then everything I've been through will have been worth it.

Looking Ahead

If you have read my whole story, I'm impressed - it's a long one!! :)

It was important to me to take the time to share everything (the good, the bad, and the ugly) with you, my visitors, so that you can see that I really and TRULY have walked in your shoes.

I know the terror of a panic attack, I live with anxiety on a daily basis (for now), and I have tried/am trying the same treatments that you are.

As I mentioned on the Home page, I created this website for all of us - those who suffer from panic attacks, those with anxiety, those whose panic and/or anxiety have them scared to leave the house, and those who love someone who struggles with these conditions.

My goal is that this website becomes the one central location for people affected by panic attacks.

To that end, I need your help. Please engage with this site - share your questions, comments, worries, concerns, and successes. 

Join In

• If you have questions or comments about my story or about this website in general - please contact me by clicking here.
  
• If you would like to share YOUR story - please visit this page.
  

Together, we can walk this road together, sharing our burdens and our successes.


Many blessings,


Lindy